Survivor's Guilt
by MegaPotterHead
Summary: Harry has a bad case of Survivor's Guilt and finds a painful way to deal with it. Rated M to be safe, due to self-maiming.


Survivor's Guilt

The deaths were too much. Seeing Fred lying there, surrounded by a mourning family, seeing Remus and Tonks peacefully "sleeping" was too much for Harry's heart, knowing that it was for naught that they perished before their son could speak a single word, because it was his fault that they were dead, his fault alone. Maybe had Neville not called all those people, it could have all been avoided, but Harry knew that when it boiled down to the truth of things, it was really his, Harry's, fault that they died.

Nothing had been accomplished really. An entire battle was fought, lives were lost, and for what? So Harry could just go into the forest and die. Sure, he had come back and vanquished the Dark Lord, but that was not going to bring back the innocent lives lost.

For years he had nearly died so many times and had miraculously gotten through. He had suffered the death of his parents before he could walk, then Sirius left him at the tender age of 15, just as Harry was beginning to know one of the only people who had truly loved him. And then, barely a year later, he had watched Dumbledore's body fall as if in slow motion from the top of the Astronomy tower, from the very peak of Hogwarts, and he had considered it then, almost done it, but the pain was nothing like it was now. And now, even surrounded by people who practically worshipped him, nothing made the pain and loss any easier to bear. Even having Ron and Hermione still by his side did nothing to keep the nightmares away, to ward off the ghosts come back to haunt him in his dreams, shouting that is was _his _fault, that _he_ was the guilty one.

It was one week after the battle that he had his first experience with self-inflicted wounds.

He had not meant to cut himself on the very same shard of glass he had found when he was cleaning out his trunk that day way back in the summer. He was simply not paying attention when he had shoved his hand into the moleskin purse that Hagrid had given him. But when the pain registered in his brain, it had not felt as sharp as it had the first time. It almost felt… relieving. He felt as if a little bit of the guilt that had been gnawing at his chest had been lifted. And so, after Mrs. Weasley healed the wound, he asked her to show him how to heal cuts. She willingly taught him the simple spell, thinking that it may come in handy later on, and he picked up on it fairly quickly.

As soon as he could, he escaped to the room that used to be Fred and George's bedroom and took out the two-inch chard of glass again. He took a deep breath and pressed it to the sensitive skin just below his inner elbow. He held it there for a few moments, as if testing his willpower to see if he really would cut himself. Then, with another deep breath, he applied a stronger pressure to the piece of glass and slowly pulled it across his arm.

The crimson blood came immediately, as did the pain, but it did not feel like normal pain. It felt the same as it had earlier: relieving. He drew in a sharp breath because it did hurt, but it was relieving at the same time. So, he healed the wound with the simple spell and prepared to cut himself again. This time, he placed the shard more towards the center of his inner arm, about three inches below his elbow. He drew in a slow breath before making a two inch long cut across his arm. Again, the relieving feeling washed through his body, and some of the guilt was gone; he sighed. He didn't bother to heal the wound this time, and instead prepared to make another cut less than an inch below the last one. He carefully placed the shard again and was about to pull when-

"Harry, Mum just wanted me to bring these to you- OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" cried Ginny as she opened the door. As her mind registered the fresh blood on the floor and the cuts on his arm, then the bloodied glass shard he was holding in his right hand, the shock splattered across her face and she dropped the pairs of trousers she had been sent to bring him. She sprinted across the room, pulling out her wand as she came. She shouted the healing spell and snatched away the glass shard, now completely covered in the blood of Harry Potter. She threw it to the opposite corner of the room and turned to him again, a dangerous look in her steely brown eyes, "What. The bloody hell. Are. You. DOING? Don't you know how dangerous and stupid cutting yourself is? Do you think that committing suicide is going to solve any problems? Well it's not because we all happen to love you a lot and I know Ron and Hermione would be devastated if they ever found out you were doing this to yourself!" She continued yelling at him, berating him with truths that he didn't want to hear. Did he care that he might accidentally kill himself if the cut was too deep or if he lost too much blood? No. If he did die, then he would deserve it for being the reason why so many innocent people had unnecessarily died.

Tears were streaming down Ginny's cheeks and still she continued to scream at him, and then Mrs. Weasley was there and Ron and Hermione and Ginny was showing them the shard of glass and the blood on the floor and the scars on his arm from the clumsily healed, self-inflicted wounds and Ron had gone pale and Hermione began crying along with Ginny and Mrs. Weasley was yelling for Arthur to contact a Healer at St. Mungo's and when Harry tried to explain, Hermione Stunned him and he slipped into blissful, dreamless unconsciousness.

" " "

Harry awoke on the bed in Fred and George's old room, with a middle-aged woman standing above him, waving her wand over his body. He looked around and saw Ginny and Ron and Hermione and Mrs. Weasley all surrounding the bed, George standing a little behind Mrs. Weasley, Mr. Weasley standing next to him. He saw Neville on Hermione's other side with Luna next to him. When they saw he was awake, they all smiled a little, albeit in a forced sort of way. And then the Healer was finished with her work and he felt light as a feather and happier than he had been since the Battle of Hogwarts. He looked at Ginny again and saw that beauty radiated from her every orifice and looked at Ron and saw his best mate, and looked at Hermione and saw his caring sister, the sister he had never had. He looked at each and every one of them and saw their importance in his life, and suddenly the thought of cutting himself seemed ridiculous and far-fetched. What reason could he possibly have to intentionally maim himself? All thoughts of Remus and Tonks and Fred and all the others who died to protect him were gone from his mind, washed from his soul. Sure, he would remember them, but he would remember them as they were before death, before their lives were stolen by Death. They were in a better place now, not to be worried about and mourned over.

And then his thoughts turned to the living, the loving, the people who stood around him and gazed upon him with love and admiration when the Healer told them that Harry would be alright. Ginny, especially, seemed happy, overjoyed that he would no longer be plagued with the guilt that had been eating him from the inside out, for the effects had not been solely internal, but external as well. She and the rest of the Weasleys and Hermione could tell that he was not himself, but he refused to open up, not even to Ginny. They had begun to worry, but were unsure of how to deal with the situation. Several times they had discussed calling a Healer, but were afraid that Harry would get angry at them for intervening. Now though, they saw that they had done the right thing, and their smiles became genuine and loving once more.

Harry looked at each and every person whom he loved and said, "Thank you. For everything."

**A/N: So what did you guys think? The idea came to me after I got some really bad news about a family member so I decided to let some of my pain out through this story. I'm not emo or anything; this was just a way for me to let out some pent up emotions.**

**Anyway, how do you think I did with the characters' reactions? Was the ending too hasty? If you have a suggestion as to how it could have ended, just PM me and I might change it. I really hope you enjoyed it (even a little bit) and even if you hated it, PLEASE REVIEW!**


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